monachopsis
by netflixanduchiha
Summary: In a last ditch effort, Rin merges with a chakra entity. About a decade passes and when she wakes up, she can't help but cry. (A lot of stuff has changed—it's probably not gonna get any better.) [Semi-Jinchuriki!Rin, Sanbi!Rin, Alive-RinAU]


**She begins to feel that life really is unfair.**

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Monachopsis

| you only cared because he did |

* * *

The day that Rin Nohara decides to confess her love for Kakashi, she feels happy tears drip from her lashes because finally, she has the strength to do so after what had happened.

A year passed since Obito's death and since then the bond between Kakashi and herself has grown so much. Rin almost cannot even recognize how their interactions were before it. (She can thank Obito for that.)

(Thankyouthankyouthankyouthan—).

A year has passed since she was kidnapped and interrogated. To be tortured until her screams were reduced to shallow gasps and her mind, almost twisted beyond repair. She's become a bit sinister from the endless loops of genjutsu invading her senses, showing her the countless gruesome corpses of everyone she cared about.

Her mother in the battlefield choking, sobbing and howling in pain, and Rin just watches, unable to run and stop the bleeding or do anything. She rips her head to the side and she gurgles Rin's name, until her jolts slowly come to a halt. Then it's Minato, being stabbed over and over and over and over and he can't quite stop staring at her in horror because—because she's the one with the kunai, and her hand plunges into his body again and again until he's dead.

Kakashi's next, and she thinks he may have been the worse one yet when she sees his face with his mask ripped out and he's looking at her with so much hate, it stings. It aches but despite Kakashi telling her he loaths her, she wraps chakra thread around his throat, and she pulls sharply—and his neck rips apart by the seams, the gasp and jolting limbs stopping as it comes. His carcass without a head, coated with so much red. (Redredredred—makeitallstop!)

But then there's Obito, and she finally breaks.

Rin doesn't really remember what happened with him, but she knows that it was enough to make her snap. She's numb and tears dry up as if all the terror in the world was eventually used up. She's like an egg, full of everything until it cracks and then there's nothing. Nothing is inside anymore until her dead friends come and save her. She's alive—safe and everything would go back to normal again.

That day they barely complete the mission by crumbling the Kannabi Bridge to the ground, with two survivors and one causality that mattered. Obito died again, but she has him to thank. He gave his life for hers. She killed him, and then he died for real. (Thank you.)

After that, some things changed, but all for the greater good. Rin told everyone—especially the psychologist—that she was okay, nothing was wrong with her and she honestly felt it wasn't traumatic or mentally-scarring at all. It was tiring to constantly have to lie and keep up a facade (But hey, she had Minato-sensei, Kushina-san, and _Kakashi_.)

Before, Kakashi never stayed past team practices and very rarely did he eat out with the team. He was always disappearing to do what ever he did. (No one knows where he went, no one asked—sometimes she thinks that she knows or that she should have known.)

Rin is oblivious and helpless like that. She believed that there could still be hope to change even though her empathy and innocence would never come back. She's different now, even if she's tried to hide it from everyone. It's easier to mask it with what happened to Obito, but it's still annoyingly hard. Her mother's dead, Obito's dead, who's next? (Wait what? No, don't think like that.)

Now Kakashi eats lunch with her, walks her home, and always checks up on her before and after missions. He even makes use of the medkit she gave him and sees that it almost needs a refill, and she's glad. Well, as glad as she can hope to be. He takes solo missions without his team, so he still disappears, but before he does he visits Rin and looks over her body to make sure she is okay (and she loves it, almost a little too much).

At first she thinks that it is because of Obito's death, what he makes Kakashi promise—she felt touched, then a bit irritated because she is a Kunoichi, she doesn't need to be protected—but that was months ago, and he still checks up on her.

_He cares_, she tells herself.

(_You know he doesn't actually_).

She has loved him for quite some time. In the academy—the brief time he was there—it started off as a small tiny crush because of his brilliance, destined for greatness. Then they were put on a team together and as it turns out, the crush becomes something else. Something she is sure he feels the same way now. She was never a fan girl, she has better things occupy her time than that. (her medical studies mainly—she is getting surprisingly better.) But it doesn't hurt to secretly be proud of him.

_Yes, he has to feel the same way. _She pats down her clothes and smiles in the mirror, looking pretty enough that her wide shifting eyes are concealed enough to be normal, and heads for Kakashi's apartment.

As she walks through the dinnertime crowds she thinks about what she is going to say to him, well not what—but how. No matter how much their connection has grown he is still a closed book and she doesn't want to move too fast and—something catches her eye. (Silver hair, no, gravity-defying silver hair. It's him.)

She pauses in her walk. The front entrance of the memorial, on the other end of where she is, Kakashi is there. She tilts her head and plans to cut through grieving masses to see him but the breaks in her legs are screeching to a halt. (Not him, no not him—them).

Obito's mark is there. This should not bother her. They were always around each other, bickering and what not, bonding all the time. She knew he went there sometimes, even when she couldn't. No this bothers her because in his grasp there are red roses—a symbol of everlasting love. A deep, true love for a romantic partner—he holds it gingerly in what could only be an intimate embrace. A rare and expensive array that is only reserved for one thing.

For split small second she feels her heart stop. (Nothing makes sense, everything was wrong, and didn't he know what those roses indicated? Then why was—) When it starts again there is clarity, like she has never felt it before.

She breathes.

Oh. Oh—she understands now. It is like lightening that snaps through her. (Sharp and crackling and painful) (It was never her, she tells herself).

It has always been Obito—the disappearances the minute sensei or her didn't need him anymore, the way that he would look wistful when the team was together (how he looked like he would rather be anywhere else—with someone else), and how he only ever saved lunch for her—because, because now she knows morning and evenings are for Obito.

Rin doesn't cry, scream, or even run away. She just stares in wonder at how his fingers run down the curve of the grave and the flowers placed down next to it. Then Rin chokes in shame and thinks about how this was probably why he never gave her the time of day to pursue a relationship. She is so stupid. Maybe a bit of her innocence really is still there.

But it doesn't matter. She is just a promise kept far back in the depths of his mind. Kakashi cares for her because he promised Obito that he would. Rin understands that now.

The day that Rin Nohara decides to confess her love for Kakashi, she begins to feel that life really is unfair.

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•••

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It dwells inside the depths of her mind, festering and forever growing like a plague. The following weeks go by like this, until she finds him in her apartment, looking at how small everything is. He looks amused and for the most part worried, at her distance from him. She's come to resent the part of her liking it.

He asks her, _why have been avoiding me_? Or, _are you going to explain why your apartment is the size of my bathroom? _And even the most rudest question she's ever heard, _are you poor_?

"Kakashi!" She screams his name with such anger and resentment that it shocks the both of them. Rin knows why she's acting like this, but he doesn't, and it seems that he really doesn't want to find out. That hurts her more than loud words ever could, "W-Why didn't you tell me?"

At first, confusion fill his features until she briskly explains everything she saw, the implications of those damned roses—and he knows.

_He knew_.

She repeats the words quietly, and her lungs give out, her gasps and pants filling the room. Her knees follow soon after and so she's grabbing the wall for support, her silent cries turning into sobs. He tries to grab a hold of her and help—but she doesn't want his help anymore. He can burn with the rest of the people who died in the war and she'll just wither and die alone. (Rin doesn't mean it. But it still hurts.)

"You knew, didn't you? I love you Kakashi! So why didn't you just save me from the heartbreak?!" Her hands cover her face covered with hot tears, stinging her cheeks. Embarrassment, humiliation it's all she feels. But most of all, she feels lonely and she wants Kakashi to let her in, to let her learn about him.

A beat passes, until he sighs and turns her cheek to face him.

"Those roses... they were the ones he used to get all the time—for you." It's a whisper, almost nonexistent, and she just barely catches the explanation.

"He would try to convince himself that he'd tell you that he loved you and hand you those flowers. I used to watch him, feeling like he was stupid for doing that. But that idiot... he never went through with it. I just thought, even if everyone thought that he was weak and annoying—he could get those flowers back."

Rin sits there in a crumpled mess, staring at Kakashi until her head drops down when he lets go. He goes to wrap his arms around her awkwardly even if silence is the only thing returned. _Those roses were the ones Obito used to get all the time for you._ She whispers it in her mind, until she finally sees that it was Obito who loved her more than just a friend. It was him, all along. The one who would stay behind and make sure she was okay too. Obito—Obito—_he loved me._

She gasps the words again and again, each time getting them more clouded and gurgled—_He loved me._

Afterwards, Rin cries in Kakashi's arms again. This time it's not out of anger, but of sadness. What could have been, what would have if only Obito had lived a little while longer. Her one-sided love would have faded away as if it never existed, and she would love him back. She feels terrible for doubting Kakashi in confiding her, and even worse for never noticing Obito's attempts. _Obito, I could have loved you back. _It doesn't change anything. It hurts, her heart aches, and the only wish she has is to go back and change everything.

She wants Obito back.

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•••

* * *

Eventually, she dies.

It takes a long time and their hands are clasped between one another, tight and almost desperate. The ground shakes from beneath them and they are not sure if the earth is coaxing them to fall from wherever they are or maybe, the ground is not what is shaking but their knees quivering because of the cold warmth that spreads across their skin. (Their hands tighten, wrapped tight.)

Rin cocks her head to the side and offers to give him what's left of her chakra, but his grip loosens a little and he shakes his head. They welcome the adrenaline clinging to the edges of their throat, the ground erupts but there are no ashes and no shinobi trampling over one another. They all end up dead, except for Rin and Kakashi.

One moment they were running away from enemy territory and the next, Rin is grasping Kakashi by the seams, screaming, her skin ripping through her clothes and it hurts so bad. Then she wakes up and there's puddles of blood surrounding them. It takes a moment, but she realizes their blood is on her hands.

But right now, all that's left are fearful eyes and shaking joints. Rin stares at Kakashi head on with almost apologetic eyes but she pours chakra into him, envious of his eyes which stare to nothingness. There is beauty in the way his crimson blazing eye tears up at her twitching form. She melts with the vibrant gleam and the sweat clinging to the bodies of the mist. The beast took over her body and almost killed Kakashi if it weren't for the sheer willpower of Rin.

The stinging and burning sensation feels as if hellfire consumes her flesh and finally she cries, almost regretting taking all the pain Kakashi was going to feel if she didn't do anything. But then she realizes it's going to happen again, and this time it'll hurt Kakashi too.

There's a monster in her bones, growling and shaking her body to the core. Rin sobs into Kakashi's chest and he holds her, telling her he's going to take her to the village—but he can't, the seals the Kiri ninjas placed will activate once she reaches the borders, it's uncontrollable.

She can't let that happen, not when she still has a chance to save everyone. So she whispers in Kakashi's ears, asks him to do the impossible, and he seethes.

"Kill me Kakashi. Kill me right now."

He yells at her, blinded by a promise instead of listening to her heart. Even in death, Obito comes first and for that she thinks life really can't get anymore cruel. At this point, Rin knew nothing would change his mind.

When she sees reinforcements coming, Kakashi notices too, and begins to fold chakra into his arm, lightning pulsing in his veins and runs. That sound of a thousand birds chirping in the crisp night envelops her whole, her thoughts surrounded by death. This was the only way. She—Rin's too scared and too tired to do it herself. It was quick and efficient, enough for the pain to last only a few seconds and then the village would—

_**'No.'**_

A voice—clear and angry, sends chills in her arms down to her legs. She knows what it is—what _it_ is. The monster in her veins, clawing to get out. When she looks up—It's there watching her with eyes slanted into a grimace. It whispers a second time, and somehow, everything stops. If she were any less distracted or any less brave, she would have lurched at it's tone and run straight towards the lightning chakra in Kakashi's hand. But Rin let's go of the thought and decides to listen. A split decision, a fate she has unknowingly avoided, something that gives her a breath of fresh air. She's changed her destiny, even if the world doesn't know it yet.

When Rin thinks about how she's grown up with war, had to see ninjas from both sides slaughtered without mercy and witness her team-mates become killers to protect her and the mission, she feels pain. It's something that will always be there, because this is what life is all about. It feels meaningless when she realizes it's most likely the reason she's going to die anyway, here and now.

The Sanbi tells her she has to go through more excruciating pain so she can live. She can live. Rin has never known immortality to be this easy to achieve, but _she is going to live forever_.

Rin is 15 years old when she fills her reserves with strange chakra, slowly forming and twisting her insides. She lets it eat away at her bones again, but it rips her skin. It burns—she screams, the feeling of shock enveloping her and she watches Kakashi's eyes widen in horror. He screams her names two—three times until she can no longer see him, and the pain stops.

Rin is still young when she meets the Sanbi—the three tailed beast who is no longer a threat to Konoha, a spirit carved from a god that turns out not to be a demon at all. It was kind when she listened to it, even when it was caged and chained down. Then, his chakra touches hers and Rin can see a sliver of his life and has seen the what life has done to _him_ and his _siblings_. It's beyond unfair that it makes Rin want to do something about it, even if she's just a fodder of the Leaf.

She's done with life ruining everything, with war, with death and with loss. He's a lonely, tired thing and has been for centuries and he knows what she means, more than she ever will. So when they share a desperate look from each other at the world they live in, she understands, and tells him with hope and despair on her tongue:

_If I could, I'd change the world for us and no one will ever have to feel what pain is anymore._

It becomes a promise, and finally, Isobu tells her to live.

Eventually, Rin dies. It takes time but she does, the last bit of her body disappearing from the face of the earth with flames of chakra licking at her soul.

(She'll come back in ten years though. That's what Isobu tells her. Rin hopes for the life of her it's true.)

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_OKAY WOW. this was going to be a Rin-reincarnated-as-Sakura fic until I realized an even better idea which led to this story and another one I'm making. So I also did a bit of research and it turns out Rin and Obito were about 3-4 years older than Kakashi? I was shook but it makes sense with how he's a prodigy and all. He was still twelve with he became Jounin, AND lost Obito and later Rin at 13. Sad ):_

_Anyways I hope y'all enjoyed this first chapter! I know it's a little heavy but I can't help it—I end up writing angst._

_This'll end up being a feel good/fix it story though, at least for me it will._

_Also: How do you think people will react to Rin coming back? How will Rin react realizing that half of her precious people are gone? Agh my heart's sobbing at the thought._

_Thanks for reading! I can't wait for the next chapter~_


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